Middle of the night thinking...

Okay, so the title is a bit misleading because it isn't the middle of the night at the moment. Beautiful boy has been up all night lately with teething (we have seen a hint of white, but still no tooth through), and this has meant that I have had a lot of time to think about what is going on in the world. It has lead to one main conclusion - I am so confused.

Right, so attachment parenting is the big go again at the moment. The idea that mothers should be at home with their babies all day, breastfeeding past infancy, wearing them close and sleeping in the bed with them. And I totally get this, it doesn't sound too hippy for me or anything! I actually wish that I could embrace this, unfortunately my lifestyle makes this pretty much impossible.

And then we go to the flip side -  mothers not being expected to be at home, not becoming a slave to their children and husband, maintaining careers whilst parenting etc. This also makes sense to me - as a mother, I have found it hard to maintain my own identity and not simply be, "Finn's mum".

The new one I have come across, which isn't parenting related, is a revival of feminism. Women choosing not to wax their eyebrows, rocking the beach with unwaxed bikini lines, refusing to wear make up and not discussing their fashion choices at award ceremonies.

I am so confused! What am I supposed to do? I am a woman who loves my career, my child, and my waxed eyebrows?!

Obviously, fitting in is not my thing. People always go on about standing out, but eventually we all mold ourselves to become part of a current fad. So standing out is not longer about being individual!

Gah - this probably doesn't make sense to anyone except me.

I'm now off to breastfeed my child while sending emails, all of this with my make up on and sitting among unfolded washing. Obviously, I am into embracing all areas of parenting and womanhood!

The perils of dinner time!

So, my darling child is currently doing this AMAZING thing where he refuses to eat. Oh, if it's a bit of cake (yes, we have been to a lot of birthday parties lately) then he will happily eat! But gorgeous, nutritious home cooked purees and fingers foods? No way mate. Not happening.

So below is a picture of my child eating grated cheese for dinner. I did make him carrot and broccoli lovingly simmered in low sodkum beef stock but that was not good enough. Grated cheese it is. Please tell me some of you have this problem as well?!

One of "those" moods!

Tired. Stressed. Anxious. Snappy. Emotional.

That pretty much sums up how I am feeling right now!

Believe it or not, I am holed up in my bedroom like a teenager having a tantrum over, well, nothing. I actually feel like a pimply 15 year old sulking because I didn't get my way. The problem is, I don't really have a right to be acting like this. In fact, I have been getting my way pretty much all day!

My other half and I spent the day shopping for his big boy's birthday tomorrow, spending far too much money. He even bought me a warm jacket for winter, which is very unlike him.

I think it must be the over tiredness getting to me. Now I know how poor little man feels when he hasn't slept for awhile and the smallest thing sets him off! I am also in a bit of a funk because he is currently refusing most bottles coming his way and most of his solids - how is he still smiling?! My  bets are that this is happening because of teething and his snuffly nose, but my God child, do you have any idea how on edge this gets me?! Constantly worrying about dehydration, hunger, his ability to sleep - it really does get too much sometimes! And his naps! How do they go from being lovely and long one day to basically non-existent the next? Today you would have thought he had never been to sleep before the way he battled and screamed with every attempt! News flash kid - you have these every day! And I would love to have a sleep every two and half hours, but society says no!

And poor other half! He hasn't even done anything wrong but I spit tacks at  him every time he tries a conversation! You would have thought that after four years of me he would know not to approach me in these situations, but I know he wants to get to the bottom of it!

Bottom line - I'm hungry, I'm tired, now just leave me the fuck alone!

Promise me we all feel like this sometimes?!

What a week....

You know, sometimes karma is a real bitch. And this week, ladies and gentlemen, it really came back to bite me in the ass.

First of all, I've been doing extra days at work to try and make a bit of money. Little guy comes with me and is perfect. So, there I was expecting a nice big pay and...not all of it went through. There goes my hair appointment.

Second of all, Thursday was the last day of term. This is always a big night out, and I had planned for it for weeks. We were going to an all you can eat and drink pizza place and I was so excited. However, in my excitement I forgot that I am now a mum who barely drinks away from home AND I got really, really, ridiculously drunk and I LOST MY PHONE! I mean, c'mon, my phone is my lifeline! Because my phone case is also a wallet I lost all my cards as well. I am still holding on to hope that someone will find it, see the name on my drivers license and look me up on Facebook.

The lucky part of that is my phone instantly backs up all my photos to Dropbox so I didn't lose any photos of Finn. Please people, make sure that you do that because I would have been devastated if I had lost them.

So, I have taken this as a message from beyond and have decided I need to sort my shit out big time. This means:

• No more attempting to drink copious amounts of wine and parent the next day
• Focusing on important things like getting my weight back down and being fit
• Not eating every piece of chocolate that has crossed my path
• Continue to write this blog so I don't let everything build up in my head and overload my teeny tiny brain

I started off yesterday by going for a run. However, because my other half is off fishing all weekend, this meant running with the pram. Up hills. I lasted one hill and decided to walk up and run down. I can't be too adventurous people. I also got up this morning and went for a run with no pram (don't worry, I didn't leave the baby at home, Mum rescued me) and I ran for half an hour! With the fat dog! So we are doing well!

I have also set myself a goal - to complete the Auckland Half Marathon again. If I have something in sight then I know I can do it. Although I have done it in just under two hours before, I am going to give myself the goal this year just to complete it. Life is so much harder with a baby, and I need to factor that in!

Have a great Easter everybody, roll around in chocolatey goodness and start the diet next week!

Babies and Exercise

I would like to take you back in time to 2013 - I had no baby, a full time job, and was the fittest I have ever been in my life.

Athleticism does not come naturally to me, I was always okay at sport, never really that fit and was incredibly lazy. I have struggled with my weight since I was about 7 years old, a cheeseburger goes straight to my thighs. Eating is something that has always consumed my life. I am always thinking about it - what I am going to eat next, should I or shouldn't I eat that piece of pizza, what to buy when I go to the supermarket.

However, in 2013 I was FIT. Like proper fit. A typical week consisted of 4-5 runs (lengths varied from 5 - 13kms at a time), two sessions of boot camp and a game of indoor netball. I cut out all crap from my diet, did a 21 Day Sugar Detox and was the slimmest I have ever been. The icing on the cake for me was completing the Auckland Half Marathon in 1hr 59mins, squeezing in just under my goal of two hours.

I honestly believe that my body being in such an optimal position was how I got pregnant without even trying to. During the early stages of my pregnancy I kept trying to run, although exhaustion got the better of me in the end. Boot camp became too much as the instructor wasn't great at giving alternative exercises. So, throughout my pregnancy, I did a lot of walking the dog and managed to stay rather fit. While I was overdue, I was walking up hills every morning, trying to get this baby out (it did not good - he was nine days late!). On reflection, keeping up with exercise was probably how I bounced back so well from my labour, and was out and about really quickly.

Unfortunately, I have found it really hard to get back into exercise since my little man came along. Although I have lost more of the weight, my tummy has that little pooch to it that just won't go away. My commitment to healthy eating has gone out the door due to being too lazy to spend time making it. Poor Sam the dog has felt it as well, and his days of being long and lean appear to be behind him.

BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I went for a RUN. In fact two runs! My partner and big boy did a fun run, and I was meeting them at the end. I parked my car and started going for walk when the skies opened up on us. First stop was a cafe to hide, and enjoy a coffee and a muffin. We (Finn and myself) then had to make our way to the finish line, which resulted in me running very fast in the pouring rain. Boys finished, we celebrated, then we got home and I had the serious guilt trip going on! This resulted in me hauling my chubby pup out on to the footpath for 2.63kms of running. Yes, I understand that this small, but we did it very fast, and I did have to drag poor pup up the a lot of hills. So I am going to be proud of that.

Watch this space people, before you know it I will be doing regular hour long runs again! Woohoo!

Baby Sales

So, today was the day. I day I have been waiting for for quite a while now. A day that I always mark in my calendar, and do the proper preparations for.

The Farmers One Day 50% off all children and infant clothing.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Farmers is a small scale department store chain that is found in most New Zealand malls. It is one of those stores that you would never buy anything from full price. They often have smaller sales where clothes are 20-30% off, but it isn't very common that they have 50% off.

I am telling you people, it is carnage. Crazy mums pushing people out of the way with their prams, sending kids around aisles to grab things and many small, tired children being dragged around the store for a few hours, trying on hundreds of different things.

Normally I am so prepared for this day. Baby bag packed, a list of things that are needed for both Finn and Dom, and my man's eftpos card (so he can pay for everything).

However, my plans were ruined today. There are many reasons for this:

1. I had completely forgotten the sale was on today. Rookie mistake.
2. Finn fell asleep in the car on the way home from work so I left him sleeping in there and took his bag out of the car.
3. I didn't give myself enough time to write a list. I just went for it.

And, well, it didn't end how I had hoped.

Pulled into the mall carpark, managed to get one undercover and by the door - all is going well so far! Start hooking up the front pack (you never take prams to these sales, they get in the way of manic grabbing) and notice a strange smell wafting out of my passengers butt.

Uh oh, this is a total time waster but needs to be dealt to immediately. Go to grab the baby bag and...it isn't there. I have left the house nappiless and wipeless. Amateur.

The big decision. Do I drive back home and grab them (a good 8 minute drive) or do I pretend I haven't smelt it and chuck him in the front pack. I am sorry to say that I went with the latter.

Walk into the store, all I can smell is my poor babe and his shitty bum. Decide this will be quick. But, oh no, there are so many options! And I need to find a rain jacket for the big boy! I scramble through, picking up, putting down, all the while people are turning up their noses, looking around for the foul smell. I copy them, looking round, pretending to be oblivious to the fact that it is in fact my little stinker.

$112 later, I walk out. Not my best shop, I must say, but definitely some great bargains in there.

Love me a good Farmers sale!

Get to the car and realise that I now have to deal with this smell on the way home and it is bucketing down. This means windows up. Lord save me.

Why I love my neighbour!

One of the problems with being a mum is that constant fear of being judged. Everybody has an opinion on parenting and, quite often, your opinion is not the same and the person doing the judging.

I have to admit, I am one of those mum's who is very laid back. I try not to let things stress me out, and you could never accuse me of "smothering" my baby. In fact, I encourage people other than myself to hold and play with Finn, and it has been like that since day one.

Which leads me to my neighbour. She is AWESOME. And I barely even talk to her. I just listen.

She has two girls, one of which is around four and the other around seven, and they sound like a handful. You often hear them screaming at one another, calling each other names, and then the tears. But, what I love, is how my neighbour handles them.

Literally five minutes ago, the smaller of the two girls was throwing the largest wobbly I have heard in a long time. She was on the trampoline with her sister, and, when asked to get off, she SCREAMED. It was earth shattering, ear piercing, all that jazz! So, what did mum do? Instead of getting in an argument with her, she got on the tramp, chucked her over her shoulder kicking and screaming, and walked her into the house.

Now that, my friends, is my kind of parenting!

My Blended Family

When I talk about my family, it is often received by others as one that they cannot understand. I think it must be because they have never experienced a situation like mine, so therefore cannot relate.

Let me tell you a little bit about my household.

Alex (male) - 31 years, photographer, originally from England, then the Kapiti Coast (NZ) and Auckland for the past 13 years or so.

Alex (female) - also known as Allie to avoid confusion with others/ourselves, 25 years, primary teacher/SAHM, born in Hong Kong to New Zealand/English parents, lived in Auckland for the past 22 years.

Dominic - 8 years, son of Alex (male) with a previous partner, lives with us 50% of the time.

Finn - nearly 7 months, child of both Alex's, half brother to Dominic.

So, why would people think this is strange? Well, Alex and I have been together since I was 21, and Dominic was 5. Not many 21 year olds would  be that keen to take on a 5 year old! However, I did, and have lived happily with him 50% of the time for the past three years. With a "stepchild" (he refers to me as his stepmum even though I'm not married to his Dad) obviously comes the complication of an ex-girlfriend  being heavily involved in our life. I manage my very best to keep this a positive relationship - we often have a cup of tea during drop off/pick off, when her babies were born I went and visited with food (and she did the same for me), we send Snapchats to each other, and we both try and do what is best for Dom. Obviously, there are moments of tension between my partner and her, and I do my best to stay out of it. Sometimes it is really hard. In fact, nearly all of the time. But I let them deal with it.

There is also the other strain that people don't understand and realise. The strain of not having my partner to myself for so long. Wanting some time to go out in the weekend, and make plans but we couldn't because it was a "kid" weekend. This is harder now that we have Finn,  but in my pre-mummy life this was often an issue for me. And yes, there was definitely that niggly feeling of resentment every now and then. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepson and would have done anything for him, but there was often that hint of annoyance if his presence would impose on my plans!

Since becoming a mum myself, I have had a huge shift in my thinking. I now understand my partner's hurt at only have him half of the time. How he misses him constantly, and therefore wants to make the most of his time with him. And it makes me feel like a total bitch for the times I ever complained.

I also now understand that there is a reason why my stepson can be needy at times. He lives in two households, both of which have children under 16 months old. At his mum's house he has two brothers, both born within 14 months of each other, plus Finn thrown in the middle. That can't be easy for anyone, let alone an eight year old!

But, I am also lucky enough to have a stepson who loves his little brother more than anything in the world. He cuddles him when he's crying, gives him kisses constantly, and is the only person who can make Finn smile at any time of the day! And that to me is pretty bloody awesome!

Liebster Award

Woohoo so I was nominated for The Liebster Award for discovering new blogs!
This was from the blog Flab-Fit-Fab and you can check her out here...http://flabfitfab.blogspot.co.uk/

So part of this is answering some questions, so here we go...

1) Why did you start your blog?
To connect with other mums and hopefully show them that they are not alone out there!

2) What do you most enjoy cooking?
Ooooh this is a hard one because I really love cooking...I will go with the Smoked Fish Pie from the Chelsea Winter "At My Table" cookbook

3) What keeps you awake at night?
My baby not sleeping...actually, that is getting better so I would say my job. I do a lot of professional development with teachers and I find this quite daunting so am often thinking of ways to stay in the game!

4) If you could have one super power what would it be and why?
The ability to redo certain moments of  my life - I have a lot of regrets!

5) Who's the better villain Harley Quinn or Poison Ivy?
Poison Ivy - she owns it!

5) If you were invisible for the day what would you do?
Go and spy on what goes on in my nieces classroom - I worry about her!

6) Cat or dog?
Dog. Even though my one is rather useless...

7) Who's the most inspirational person you know and why?
An old colleague called Brendan Lee. I have never met anyone who cares about his students so much and works so hard to better their lives, while setting himself amazing goals.

8) Are you a morning person or night owl?
Morning person - I find it hard to stay awake late these days!

9) If you won the lottery what would you buy first?
Our own home!

10) What makes you smile?
Sounds so cheesy but going into my boy's room when he has just woken up from a sleep. He looks at me like I've been gone for months!

Now, because I am new to this whole blogging thing and don' follow too many blogs yet, I was hoping you could help me out and, if you read this, answer the questions! Then let me know the link to your blog so I can follow!

So, my questions are:

1. What is your favourite hideaway spot?

2. If you could try any extreme sport, what would it be and why?

3. On a child free weekend what would you do?

4. What TV show relates best to your life?

5. If you could visit any country in the world what would it be and why?

6. What quote sums up your personality?

7. Pizza or pasta?

8. A question you would ask the president/prime minister?

9. Favourite movie and why?

10. Aspirations for your blog?

Answer away amigos 😃

Why My Child Is Awesome

My boy - I am not going to lie to you people, he is actually awesome.

Why?

Well, first of all, look at this photo of him in his new PJ's...

He is delicious!

Second of all, on many occasions he actually makes my life easier. Today is an example.

As a teacher, you get paid pretty poorly, especially if you only work three days a week like myself. Money is definitely not flowing, and every day I kick myself for not saving while I was on a full time wage. That is why it is really awesome when I get asked to relieve. The money is good, the planning is done for you and, best of all, I can bring my little man along with me.

So today we trotted up to work, and from the beginning I knew it was going to be a good day. He smiled, cooed, giggled, drank his milk, ate his food, took two spectacular naps in his pushchair, and managed to impress every single staff member and child we came across.

And, because of that, we are allowed to come back.

Child of mine, you are awesome!

Can you think of a time your little one has really impressed you in front of other people? Feel free to comment away!

Water Baby!

Swimming lessons for babies - wow, what a fad right?! Squeezing your postpartum body into a pair of togs and singing songs with a bunch of other crazy mums. Sounds ridiculous!

Well, actually, it really isn't. In fact, I think it is one of the most sensible decisions I have made as a mother. There is nothing more amazing than seeing my little man kicking his feet, paddling with his hands, and smiling after diving under the water.

Over summer, you are constantly reading about children falling into the pool or getting caught in a rip and not making it out. I am not taking that risk with little guy!

Finn started swimming lessons at five months. Hilton Brown do free lessons for babies 3 - 6 months old, but there is a bit of a waiting list, hence the five month old start. The awesome thing is they actually go until they turn seven months old, so we have been at it for nearly two months!

It is amazing how far my man has gone in these two months. He reaches out for the side of the pool or out to a board, he closes his eyes and holds his breath when you, "Finn, ready, go!" and he is super chilled out after a submersion. These lessons are teaching him to not be afraid of the water, and know what to do when he falls in.

We often underestimate what our little babe's can do, but here is a video of my wee man with his daddy.

Yep, that is my little man kicking his legs on a board! At only six months old!

So, my advice to all of you is get your  babies enrolled in lessons as young as possible. Let them have a life long love of the water, without the worry of lack of confidence!

Baby Daddy!

Ever since having Finn, I have a whole new level of respect for single mothers. Raising a baby is such hard work, but having somebody there most of the time definitely takes the edge off.

I am really lucky in the fact that my other half is an amazing, hands on father. Little bug is his second son, and Dom is nearly nine. We work really hard to ensure that we have a close relationship with his mama, and I am lucky in the fact that her and I get on really well. It makes life easier for everybody.

So, how does a relationship change once you've had a baby?

Well, this is Alex and I when we first started dating, nearly four years ago...

We used to do really cute things like this...

And then we had a baby! And at first we put our relationship on the back burner to make time for bubs. But it became really clear really quickly that we needed to keep working on our relationship at the same time as caring for a newborn.

I can definitely understand why a lot of couples find it hard to survive when having a baby. Once the initial euphoria has died down, and the visitors halt, you find the time to be exhausted, to notice the washing hasn't been done for three weeks, and that all you have eaten for the past month has been takeaways. And this adds serious strain. Because I was breastfeeding and therefore the sole person feeding our baby, I resented it when Alex was sleeping at 3am. On the flip side, I was at home every day and Alex was at work, and he resented this.

It is all about compromise. And understanding that sometimes you will be tired and cranky and the idea of being nice to your man makes you spew. But be nice. Appreciate your partner in crime. Most of all, take lots of cute photos!

Cabin Fever

So five days straight of being at home with a sick baby is not great for me. I have been reluctant to take him out anywhere because he has been so unwell, and it has definitely started cooling down. Today, though, I had had enough. We were up nice and early walking the dog, and then I decided we needed to go and have a "mum and bub date".

Back in the day, the thought of going out and eating lunch by myself was rather daunting. I get pretty bored with my own company after awhile, and would normally scoff it all up and leave. However, now that I have my mini me, I am more than happy to sit down at a cafe for an hour or so and lap it up!

Unfortunately, I stumbled upon something that I have done my best to avoid.

Coffee groups.

Now, I know many of you disagree with my view on these, and make life long friends. However, I am a bit of a grumpy old bitch at the best of times, and have made no attempt to start one of these up, or join in with one.

Why? Because I really can't stand listening to other people go on about their babies. I do my best to not go on about Finn too much with my friends because I understand the absolute utter boredom it brings upon them. I save these tales for my other half, and the internet!

I ordered my lunch and coffee, and found a warm outside seat. From here, I was forced to eavesdrop on the conversation.

"My baby..."
"George can..."
"I would never...with my boy..."

Oh my goodness people! You are out talking to human beings that aren't under the age of one and all you can talk about are BABIES?! Why not discuss interesting things like politics, exercise and THINGS THAT DON'T RELATE TO YOUR CHILDREN?!

As you can imagine, I swiftly moved and played with Finn in the grassy area out the front. Yes, I prefer the company of snotty, coughing six month old over women that want to make a competition of baby rearing.

And this is why I don't do coffee groups. Ever.

As a side note, don't ever feed your kids shepherd pie. All they do is spit it out every where and end up smelling like mince. Gross.

That "Mum" Look

I have been off work for the past couple of days with little man due to the croup incident, and I have seen something happen to me that I am not proud of.

Because I knew nobody was coming over today, I chucked on my track pants and an old top, and tossed my hair up in a messy bun. I hadn't even given it two thoughts before I looked in a mirror and thought, "Oh my god".Yes, today I have been rocking your stereotypical, advert loving, self loathing "Mum" look. And oh my word, it is scary.

This is me today. But she is wearing nicer clothes.

I always wondered how mums could be this way - lose all pride in themselves, stop caring about how they look, decide that no matter what you wear your husband will never leave you - and, I am not going to lie, it disgusted me. Even in the early days of Finn, I would get up, do my face, brush my hair, and get on with the day. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I left the hospital wearing nice clothes and with make up on.

However, today I get the women who look like I do every day. The mum's who have babies that won't sleep, the mum's who have to do the school run with a toddler in tow, the mum's who are so exhausted that they are surviving on caffeine alone.

And I apologise. I am sorry for being a judgmental bitch. Rock your top buns with all the energy you can muster. Even if it isn't a lot.

Croup = Creepy Baby

So one of my earlier posts was about how awful croup is.
My sister gave me a hand today and managed to capture this amazing video!

NB He normally sounds like your typical baby!!!

The "Fun" of Solids

My little man has been on solids for a wee while now - about two months - including a period of about two weeks where he refused to have anything. We started early because he was showing all the signs, and I have recently become a baby food connoisseur. By this, I mean that I actually cook both meat and veges, and puree it up.

THERE ARE NOT MANY THINGS THAT ARE WORSE THAN PUREED FISH.

Vomit.

However, this post is more about the so called "fun" of feeding my wee man solids.

Scenario: Plunket Solids Talk.
Plunket Lady: "This is a really fun time for you with your baby, experimenting with different tastes and textures. This tends to not be so messy, and I promise you that you will really enjoy this bonding experience.

Not messy, you say?

Lady, you lied!

Do you have any idea how expensive stain remover is?! Have you forgotten what it is like to have orange kumara (sweet potato!) spat in your face?! Or what a raspberry full of food looks like?!

Honestly, I was useless at doing washing before solids started, and now I have just given up. The majority of Finn's clothes now have at least a hint of some kind of food - a bit of mashed in banana, Cruskit that has turned to concrete, a teeny bit of mince.

Fun? I challenge you to say that again!

Outta My Control...

So last night it became very clear to me that, quite often, things are out of our control and no matter what we do, we have to sit by and watch.

At about 9.30 last night, my little man woke up with a barking cough. It also became very clear to us that he was working really hard to get his breaths in. Sweat poured off him, but it was clammy and cold. Although not distressed, he was pale and wasn't grabbing at anything or wanting to play, and he was clinging on to my other half. If you know my boy, you know this is very out of character! So we got on the phone to Plunket, who then put us through to Healthline (at this point I was panicking). As soon as the lady heard Finn's cough and noisy breathing she called an ambulance. Yes, an ambulance. At this point it was taking every part of me to hold back tears. I can tell you now, you never realise how much you love your child until you think there might be something wrong. When the sirens got closer, the horrible thought of, "Those sirens are for my baby" crept into my mind and it was too much.

Before I knew it, bubs and me were sitting in the back of the ambulance en route to hospital. In the ambulance he got hooked up to a heart rate monitor and it became clear he was definitely fighting to get those breaths in. It was definitely the worst twenty minutes of my life.

By the time we got to the hospital, bubs was looking much better. His breathing was still up, but everything else seemed to have calmed down. He wasn't coughing as much, but his coughs were still sounding like an old smokers, and his breathing was still a little raspy.

Diagnosis - a pretty hefty case of croup. Cue a dose of steroids, an observation for three hours, and a pretty miserable baby.

A very tired Finn and his mama at 12.30 am!

It is very rare that my little boy will fall asleep on me anymore, but that was how he slept for most of last night and for his naps today. So bittersweet - I miss my baby cuddles,  but I don't want them if it means he is in pain.

As I said before, a lot of things are out of our control. And it is horrific. I have never been in an ambulance in my 25 years, and my poor boy had to experience one at six months old. But that is life, and I am lucky that it wasn't any worse. Too many of the other kids in the emergency department got sent off to Starship because their situations were too extreme to be dealt with at North Shore Hospital. We didn't even have a bed last night because it was full up - apparently that is a pretty typical night.

So, when things get out of your control, cuddle your baby, kiss your baby, and hopefully everything will be okay.

Why I really am useless....

So I promised myself that I would really throw everything into this blog to help keep me sane. Alas, I completely forgot about it. BUT I AM BACK. And I intend to stay back.

So, what has been happening in the six or so weeks that I wasn't writing? Well...

1) I started back at work part time. Love the work. Hate the mornings.
2) This coincided with my darling boy starting day care. I cried. He didn't. That was how that went.
3) My boy got BIG. Like really big. See below:

4) I met a level of exhaustion that I did not know was possible. Holy heck.

So, because talking about your own baby can bore people to no end (trust me, I know!), I am instead , going to enlighten you on my current path down the road of complete and utter mind numbing exhaustion.

At first, I honestly thought I was handling the whole part time working, part time stay at home mum thing so well. I managed to straighten my hair in the morning, have the baby fed and clothed, and be out the door by 7.30. However, things started changing. Very slowly, the hair got messier. The lipstick got muckier. The eyes got redder. The baby started wearing clothes that were not okay to be out in public. Caffeine became my best friend. And I got confused.

Why was this happening all of a sudden?

Why do people look at me like I am an alien from another planet?

Why can I smell my armpits?

And then it hit me. This is what a working mother starts out as. Learning to determine how much time you need to allocate, learning to know what is actually important and what can be ditched (hint - do not ditch showering!), and continuing to be a caring mum whilst stressing about what is going on at work.

So, we learnt to time manage. I say we, because you need to have your other half involved in this. And we created a routine. It works a bit like this:

• At home days - other half comes home from work and does bath and bedtime. If I haven't already sorted dinner then I do that while this is going on.
• At work days - I do pick up and drop off. Because I tend to be running a little early to beat traffic, Finn and I have a morning date at Robert Harris. I love this so much, especially because Finn tends to be happiest in the morning so I get lots of smiles and cuddles. When we get home, I get to play with him, and then one of us does bed and bath while the other does dinner. 
• Weekends - no routine at all. Oh, and apparently no sleep ins...

Of course, when I am at home with him I make the most of the time to puree up some veges and meat (most horrendous job ever), avoid doing the housework and do little activities with Finn.

It is hard when you realise you are not the "perfect" mother. My boy is hardly breastfed anymore (his choice) except for in the middle of the night when he refuses to get off, I have given him far too many fingers foods that probably aren't the best, my new dinner choices involve ones that I can blend up, and I have definitely shoved us both in front of the TV so I can catch up on shows. But it is important to realise that no mother is perfect. Yes, even the exclusively breastfeeding, organic giving, co-sleeping earth mothers that have committed all of their time to their little babes. They manage to screw it up as well sometimes.

It is the small things that count. Like cuddling your baby, even when they are attempting to squirm away from you and then scream in your face. Sitting outside every now and then to have lunch. Going down to the park and letting your six month old in the swing, even when a group of judgey mums are whispering about it.

All that matters is you love your child, even if they are the cause of your legs going unshaven for one week. In the middle of summer.

So now I add to my list:

5) I realised there is no way to be the perfect mum. And I am totally okay with that.

Why co-sleeping really does mean no sleeping!

So there is this hilarious video going around called "Why Co-Sleeping is No-Sleeping." Have a look below and it will definitely make you giggle!

Before Finn was born I was one of those pregnant ladies who said, "I'm never letting my baby sleep in our bed!" I was adamant. I had heard all the stories from parents who could never get their child out of their bed and I flat out refused to become one,

And then my baby was born.

As I have said previously, Finn refused to sleep in his bassinet for a very long time. This made me feel like I was failing as mother because everything said that my baby should go straight to sleep when being put down. Cue a baby who fell fast asleep on me, then as soon as he was in his crib woke up and screamed. Pick up, fast asleep. Put down, scream. So I accidentally became a co-sleeping mum at times. And I really enjoyed it. Waking up to him is one of the fondest memories I will have of Finn as a newborn.

Eventually, Finn became a lot better at sleeping in his bassinet, and was moved to a cot when he was three months old because with every movement he made his crib rock and woke himself up. Since moving to the cot he has rarely come into our bed because he falls asleep again after his night feed, and normally snoozes until 6.30 - 7ish. Except for the other night. He decided, after waking up at 4.15 for a feed, that he did not want to go to sleep. Cue crying baby, exhausted mother. So I grabbed him and put him in our bed.

BIG MISTAKE.

In the few minutes it took him to fall asleep, he managed to:

• pull my hair
• eat the blanket
• kick me
• pull my partners nose
• stick his finger up my partners nose
• scratch me
• roll over
• hold my hand and eventually close his eyes

Cute little newborn making gorgeous noises no more!

His new thing is to wake from his morning nap after 45 minutes, then be put into bed with me and have a cuddle and sleep for another 90 or so minutes. It looks like this:

And these are the moments that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

Everyone is having babies!

So, when I started this blog I wanted to try and write everyday to make sure I kept on top of it. However, my super popular social life has taken off! Okay, not really, but I have been out TWICE this without my child. Once with the boyf, and the other with my lovely girlfriends that I went to university with.

It is the latter outing that made me think of the amount of pregnancies I have been encountering. On this occasion, two of five were pregnant (one due any day now), and two of us already have a kid (including the one who is pregnant). I know of at least one work colleague who is currently pregnant, my stepson's mum is having number three on Monday, and tonight I was super excited to find out that a person I am very close to is pregnant. All of a sudden, ovaries are exploding and producing beautiful babies! It is insane!

I'm not going to lie - I like to think that I started this all! I read an article the other day that was about the likelihood of getting pregnant if you're friends are, and apparently you are more likely to! How cool is that? And, on reflection, this was what happened to me. My cousin has a son four months older than mine, and I have a lot of Facebook friends with children a few months either side of Finn. The water gets contaminated, and obviously makes all ovulating women super fertile, and creates super strong sperm!

And the point of this blog? Wrap it up boys and girls, because if you know me then the likelihood of being fertilised has been turned up from impossible to highly likely!

My boy is eating food!

Excitement central in this household today. My boy had his first solids! Yes, he is only four months old which is a little early by standards these day, but I went to a talk around solids yesterday and he is showing all the signs that he is ready.
He:

• creepily watches me eat (seriously, he follows the fork from my plate to my mouth, normally salivating at the same time...)
• tries to pull food out of our hands - this resulted in Finn accidentally eating a small amount of combination fried rice when my partner wasn't paying attention. It makes me very proud!
• he is always wanting more after having a feed
• his head is that of a strong man, always up and looking around

So, I steamed up some kumara (sweet potato) and pureed it into oblivion. And this was the result:

He loved it! The third photo shows the shock that we actually allowed to keep it in his mouth! He made such a mess, smooshing it everywhere - I found kumara all over him! Oh, and how 21st century are we - his Dad was on Skype watching him the whole time, so he didn't miss out on any of it! We are so lucky to live in a time where this is possible.

I totally recommend the Phil and Teds Poppy Highchair as well! It is so easy to strap them in, and super easy to clean. It wasn't expensive either, I got it for just over $100 on special. An awesome part of is that, when bubs is no longer in a highchair, you can convert it into a chair!

Not related to my boy eating, but I am so excited for tonight! Alex and I are going out for dinner BY OURSELVES for the first time since Finn was born! And we are actually going somewhere nice, so I can get dressed up and drink some fancy wine! There will be more about this later!

Birth in all its true glory

Giving birth. The main concern of the majority of pregnancies. How the heck am I going to push a baby "out of that"?! Well, believe it or not people, it is possible! I know, I've been there.

Throughout my pregnancy I had my fair share of anxiety surrounding giving birth. As I watched my belly grow bigger and bigger, this anxiety also grew bigger and bigger. When discussing my birth plan with my midwife, it became clear to her that I was pretty easy:

"Whatever happens on the day!"

I hear the inward groans of many of you. But what about the natural, drug free homebirth in the middle of your lounge with your doula and spiritual healer? Well, I realise that that works for some of you, and I congratulate you in every way for having such an organic situation for your bundle of joy to arrive into. I, on the other hand, was completely content with a pain free labour in a lovely sterile hospital where there are drugs on tap. It was the idea of being in pain that I was really scared of, and I wanted the option of an epidural there. Deep down, I was really hoping for a c-section. In hindsight, I am very glad this did not happen, because six weeks of recovery just really doesn't do it for me!

In the end, the epidural was necessary for my own sanity. My waters had broken had 5am on Sunday, it was now 9pm on Monday, and I was absolutely exhausted. Although I was induced at 12pm on Monday, I had had no sleep and was starting to descend into a panicked mess. Therefore, the epidural was administered at around 10.30, I had one hour to enjoy it before my thighs started screaming and I was ready to get this thing outta me!

29 minutes of pushing later, we had a baby. It was now the wee hours of Tuesday, 43 hours after my labour had begun, and it was all worth it. About 15 minutes in, I started crying and "gave up", but luckily I got over this momentary madness and followed through to the end.

Let me just say, you feel a lot lighter after pushing out 3.665kgs (8lbs 1oz) of baby outta ya!

So, my opinion on the actual process of giving birth? It bloody hurts. Imagine your uterus being twisted in half, and you will get a fraction of the idea. However, it is worth every second of that pain when you see your beautiful baby looking into your eyes for the first time. So go on, give it a go :-)

The trouble with sleep...

Ah, sleep. The number one topic on all parents mind. I can guarantee that whenever somebody new meets my bundle of joy, I will get the questions, "How's his sleeping?" Not that I have an issue with this at all because I am excited for the day that I can say, "Oh, he sleeps from 7 til 7, no problem!" Note - this has not yet happened!

Finn asleep in his hospital cot. This was a very rare experience.

When I was pregnant, all my friends who are mums told me, "Start banking that sleep!" and I, foolishly, smiled and nodded. You see, I knew there was going to be sleep deprivation. Everybody knows this. However, I can honestly say that I was in no way prepared for the true reality of this. For all of you non-mothers, imagine your normal sleep. Then, pretend that every three hours you get woken up by a car alarm that goes on for at least an hour. It finally turns off, and then you have the slow slog of trying to get back to sleep. And then it begins again.

So, here are three photos of my darling boy asleep. Asleep on Daddy, asleep on me and asleep in his swing.

"But," I here you ask, "where is the photo of him asleep in his cute little bassinet?"

Well, my dear friends, there are no newborn photos of him asleep in his bassinet. And why? Because he simply refused to sleep in it, unless he was super exhausted from a night of feeding and crying and then he might drop off for a couple of hours. Maybe.

Heard of the fourth trimester? Those first 12 weeks Finn just wanted to be close to me or my partner. And why wouldn't he? He just spend the last 41 (yes, 41+2!!!) weeks in the comfort of my womb (isn't that an awful word?!), so why would he suddenly want to be apart? But, expect to hear this:

"If you let that baby sleep on you/in the swing/on the rug/snuggled up next to you on your boob then how do you expect him to sleep in his cot?"

Well, I will tell you this - my boy slept in all of the above places more than in his bassinet, and he sleeps fine in his cot now. He just wanted to be close to his mama, and I wanted to be close to him.

Don't stress about your baby's sleep in the beginning. As long as they are sleeping, be happy. This is the advice that my midwife gave me, and I chose to follow it. Yes, after 12 weeks I slowly transitioned Finn into more of a routine, and it is working fabulously. However, I wish I had spent less time in the beginning stressing about sleep, and more about being close to my bub. Maybe if I had just let him sleep next to me more, I would have had more sleep myself, and not gone a wee bit crazy from sleep deprivation.

I am still incredibly sleep deprived. Today I napped twice. Twice! Once at 8am during his first nap, and the second when Alex got home from work and I passed out on the couch, drool and all. And I am STILL TIRED.

A typical night for Finn is down to be at 7, wake up anytime between 1.30-4 (okay sleeping until 4 has happened twice but it was miraculous both times and I choose to reflect on those beautiful times with a smile on my face), and then back up anytime between 6-7. At that time, he comes into my bed and we have snuggles, he normally chats away to me and I hover in that awful sleepy/awake phase. Luckily, having boobs works in my favour and sometimes he will fall asleep again on my boob.

So, what is the point of this? Sleep is a precious, precious things that should be savoured forever. I sometimes dream that I have had a whole night of sleep and then I wake up and it's 2.30 and screams are happening in the room next door. Enjoy it. Love it. And, when your baby comes along, prepare to spend every second of your day hoping for more of it.

I am preparing for one time, the first photo will be him asleep at 7pm and the second being him awake at 7am. 

Dreams are free, right?!

Being the perfect housewife

The title lies. I am the opposite of the perfect housewife, much to my dear partner's disgust. Okay, that is an exaggeration, although in a heated argument he did admit to me that he would appreciate it if I did a little more around the place.

So why is it so hard to be this "perfect housewife"? Does this even exist? I am starting to believe that it is a mythical creature, dreamed up by our grandmothers to make us modern folk feel guilty.

Let me show you a typical day for me:

• Wake up, play with baby in bed and pray that he will fall asleep next to me so that I can get some extra sleep. Note - this never happens.
• Put baby on floor, make coffee, entertain baby until he starts yawning.
• Baby goes to sleep, again I pray but this time it is that he will sleep for longer than 45 minutes. Note - this never happens. During this sleep I try to have a shower and make breakfast. Breakfast is far too often a few spoonfuls of peanut butter.
• Baby wakes up, he eats, we play, he gets tired and I put him back to bed. Rarely, he will sleep longer for this sleep. Rarely is the key word here.
• During this sleep I might try to vacuum or do some other menial chore. This is often the time I take the washing off the line, and add it to the pile that desperately needs to be ironed and folded but never will be.
• Baby wakes up, he eats, we play, he gets tired and I put him back to bed (is anybody else seeing some sort of pattern emerging?) This is quite a good sleep, because if he wakes up early I lie him down on my bed, feed him and we both fall asleep. Yes, I do realise that this is a good time to be doing housework and/or making dinner
• We wake up, the better half comes home, asks what's for dinner and it is then I am reminded that I was meant to go to the supermarket and there is a large possibility we will be feasting on toast. Again.

Do you know what? I look at this and I don't even care. You will see that I play with my boy a lot. Why? Because soon I will be going back to work three days a week, and the playtime with him will decrease. My main mission at the moment is to get him to roll over before I start again, because he is so close and it will kill me inside if I miss this.

Anyway, what is the point of this post? Housework is overrated and invest in a good toaster and lots of decent spreads.

The problems with feeding my baby...

As I have said in an earlier post, my boy has never been an issue to feed. He has had a great latch since day dot, and is still going hard at 4 months old. In fact, he has put himself onto a schedule, feeding as soon as he wakes up, then he has a play, nap, and then the cycle repeats itself. This is very different to the first 12 weeks in which he was literally attached to my boob every hour when the sun was up, and about every four when the sun was down.

The problem that I have is how people view feeding your baby. Let me tell you new mothers one thing: nothing you do will be good enough for anyone else. If you choose to breastfeed you need to keep a blanket over you little one's head so that, if a nip slip occurs, there is no chance of offending anybody. However, if you choose to formula feed your baby you will have judgmental eyes burning holes in the back of your head because formula is poison, and by doing this you are automatically dropping their IQ by at least 50 points.

My opinion? The best way to feed your baby is to FEED YOUR BABY. It doesn't matter how you do it, or why you choose one way or the other, as long as your baby is FED then there really shouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, not everybody takes my point of view on this. There is one particular page on Facebook (that I will not name) that I really need to stop following. This lady is a lactation consultant, and insists that she has no real problem with people who formula feed, epseically if they have had a "hard journey". How do I really see her page? Well, it is spread with posters on how giving your baby formula will lead to SIDS, less of a connection with your baby, and basically makes you a bad mother. Her page really makes me angry, especially because I know people who have had horrendous experiences with breastfeeding which has resulted in giving their babies formula.

Why am I ranting? The other day I had my first experience with somebody giving me "a look". I was out watching polo with my mum and niece, and my darling man woke up and automatically expected boob. I had forgotten to bring a blanket, it was really hot, and I had a screaming baby. So what did I do? Pop him on without even thinking about it. Something to note - my baby has a head in the 91st percentile and I am definitely lacking in the chest department, so you literally cannot see ANYTHING that could be deemed offensive. And this woman looked at me, looked at her male friends, and proceeded to try her best to look anywhere but at me. I mean, c'mon lady! It definitely made mum and I laugh, and my niece who kept repeating, "Wow Allie, Finn is sooooo thirsty!"

Lets stop the prejudice people, and focus on the important thing - having healthy, happy babies with full tummies!

Expectations vs Reality

"She walks down the road, hair blowing in the wind, looking fresh because her newborn baby sleeps the recommended 18-20 hours a day. Her baby boy is fast asleep, strapped to her front in his carrier, looking so peaceful it could make you cry. The dog walks calmly next to her, unfazed by the new addition to the family. This new woman has easily transitioned into her new role as a mother."

I can hear all of you mothers out there laughing at me, but that was actually what I pictured motherhood to be. Me, with my baby strapped to my chest, finding time to go for walks with the dog and looking amazing. Don't worry, this picture was shattered very quickly. A lot of us go through our pregnancy knowing that our lives are going to change and that it is going to be hard, but I don' think we can really comprehend how difficult raising a child really is. I thought I would compile a list of my expectations versus my reality, and hopefully some of you are feeling the same!

Expectation

My baby will latch on easily and breastfeeding will be a natural, beautiful thing.

Reality

I will be honest, my breastfeeding journey has been relatively easy compared to a lot of people. Finn latched on pretty easily, however, my poor nipples were not ready for the next few weeks. Cracked, dry, sore - we had all of it! Thankfully it did pass, but for awhile there I considered whether or not it was worth it.

Expectation

Before I go anywhere, I will pump out bottles and bottles of milk quickly and with ease.

Reality

My boobs refuse to pump more than 50mls at a time. And even that can take at least half an hour. I have used both manual and electric breast pumps, milked myself, had a hot shower before, drunk litres of water, put hot flannels on - you name it, I've done it. This has meant that, when going somewhere that I'm not going to be able to breastfeed (normally somewhere involving wine), Finn has had bottles of formula. And I have no real issue with that.

Expectation

I will definitely get sleep in the first few nights because babies sleep so much!

Reality 

Finn cluster fed from 10pm - 5am for the first five nights. He would fall asleep, I would put him in his bassinet, he would wake up, scream, I would put him back on my boob. And repeat. The first time he slept for four hours over night I cried with happiness. Exhaustion is an evil thing.

Expectation

I will put my baby in the front pack and he will love it and sleep on me and it will all look so beautiful

Reality

Success! Oh, wait. This is one of approximately four times Finn went in this thing without screaming, kicking, and trying to suffocate himself in my boobs. And the idea of sleeping in it - all I can do is laugh. The silver lining is he does enjoy facing forward in it now that he's older. So much so the screaming only occurs when taking him out.

Expectation

My cat and dog will love the new addition

Reality

I leave you with three words: cat piss everywhere.

Expectation
After 9 months of no wine I won't want to drink anymore.

Reality
I can never give up wine. And now two glasses gives me a hangover.

Expectation

I will see my baby boy, my heart will swell, and 47 hours of labour will be worth it.

Reality

I saw my baby boy, my heart swelled, and 47 hours of labour was worth it.

Lets give this a go...

Hello cyber world! I have decided to start yet another blog about a tired mum who is trying to juggle a career and being a pinterest perfect mother to a beautiful baby boy. The difference? I am not here to give ANY parenting advice. At all. Why is that? Because I have nothing to give. Seriously.

So lets start this off with a little bit about how this all began...

One crazy day of packing up to shift house, I made the realisation that I was incredibly tired (more so than usual) and that I had not seen a period yet. So, I made my way down to the pharmacy and grabbed a "test". This was my thought process - "There is no way that I could be pregnant, but I better just check....under no circumstance could I be pregnant, smart girls like me don't just get pregnant...oooh I like that nail polish...is there any point buying this...geez why do I always over react...I'm only 24, how the hell would I deal with a baby..."

The outcome? I will let the pictures talk.

My beautiful boy Finn was born on September 2nd 2014. He is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen.

So, a new addition to my ready made family. Ready made? I hear you ask. It sure is. My partner, Alex, has an 8 year old boy called Dominic who I have spent half my life with since he was 5 years old. Although he drives me insane, I love him like he is my own. We now have our own family of four.

So, why this blog? Well, in two weeks I go back to work part time, and need something to keep me sane. I already have extreme mummy guilt about putting my then five month old baby in day care three days a week, but it is something we can't avoid. I love my job as a teacher, and was offered a role that I can't turn down. However, so close to it starting and with a four month old who is still breastfed and refuses to sleep through the night, I am beginning to wonder what the heck I have signed up for. So this, my dear friends, is the way that I am going to keep myself sane.

So, even if no one reads this, at least I know that I can have my thoughts out there, and can keep my conscience clean.